Too Lazy To Write A Book

Short and not-so-short essays and thoughts, because writing a book is too damn hard

Tag: bar mitzvah

The Party Begins – Part 2 Of Your Indispensably Honest Guide To Attending A Bar / Bat Mitzvah

Mazel Tov Part 2-1(If you’re confused as to why this guide begins at #27, click here for Part 1)

You’ve survived the service.  You’ve properly enclosed your cash or check into an appropriately themed card and sealed the envelope (remembering at the last minute to add your name to the card). But you’ve only just begun your journey.  Consult your original invitation, curse yourself for accidentally throwing out that helpful directions card, drive successfully to the proper location, reluctantly hand your keys to the valet knowing how long it will take to get your car back at night’s end, and make your way into the main event.

THE PARTY, HOUR 1 – THE “COCKTAIL” HOUR

  1. When you arrive at that evening’s party for the “cocktail hour”, you will immediately notice the attire worn by guests.  Adult women will be wearing stunning dresses from Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus, while the teenage girls will be dressed like hookers.
  2. Concurrently, the suits worn by both boys and men will be at least two sizes too big.  This will not matter, for within the first 10 minutes all boys will deposit their suit jackets on the floor of the reception hall, and will later return home with the wrong  coat belonging to a camp friend from Massachusetts.
  3. As you enter, adults and children will split into two rooms.  The kids will move to a room filled with games, candy, unlimited pizza and organized activities, while the adults will file into a room with elegant music and fine passed hors d’oeuvres.
  4. Most adults secretly wish they were in the kid’s room.
  5. The name “cocktail hour” is misleading.  Despite the moniker, this is not really about cocktails.  It’s about FOOD.  As Jews, we are trained at birth to crave appetizers, and consumer research shows that when given the choice between a libation or a toast point with filet, Jews will choose the beef 89.7% of the time.
  6. The sheer volume of food offered during the cocktail hour will be staggering.  You will be offered a stuffed mushroom or a piece of meat on a stick at least once every 14.3 seconds.
  7. Despite this, you will still complain about the length of the line at the moo shu chicken buffet table.
  8. No matter how elegant the appetizers, nothing will be more treasured or fought over than a passed tray of mini hot dogs wrapped in puffed pastry.
  9. And they won’t come easy.  A Bar Mitzvah professional knows to scope out all entrances and exits to the room like a secret service agent, eventually positioning themselves as near as possible to the entrance used by servers and aggressively attacking the mini hot dog server until there is nothing left on their tray besides parsley and a lonely dish of brown mustard.  If you desire the mini hot dogs, don’t make the rookie mistake of getting stuck in the middle of the room with the dieters.  Be a pro.
  10. This strategy should also be employed for potato pancakes.
  11. Conversely, take your time with the chicken satay.  There will be plenty of those left.
  12. If you are male, within 10 minutes of entering the event you will spill some kind of red sauce on your white dress shirt.  You will attempt to cover this up with an awkward combination of club soda and potato pancake grease (assuming you positioned yourself properly, see previous note) and hope your wife is too distracted by the action at the sushi table to notice.
  13. You will quickly surmise that a Jewish man must have three hands.  There is no other explanation as to how he manages to hold his wife’s plate of salmon, her Cosmopolitan, and either her purse or his own fought-for mini hot dog without the pile tumbling onto his already-stained dress shirt.  This may also explain why most Jewish men are thin, as they lack the necessary number of available appendages to hold or utilize a fork.

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Your Indispensably Honest Guide To Attending A Bar / Bat Mitzvah

mazel-tov-and-party-on-7Over the last few years, my wife and I have been to a total of 15,462 Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, which seems about average for our peer group.  According to Malcolm Gladwell’s “10,000 Hour Rule” on how long it takes to achieve world class expertise, I believe I passed the minimum requirements for a PhD in the Bar Mitzvah Arts about 23,000 hours ago.

An exaggeration?  Perhaps a bit.  But as the male head of household of a Jewish family in the Northeast United States, it’s fair to say that I’ve been to my share of Bar Mitzvahs.     Perhaps you have too.  But if not, I believe you could benefit from my store of knowledge, especially if you have a 13 year-old child.  Be forewarned:  all 13 year-olds and their families in certain geographic regions enter a Twilight Zone-esque parallel and confusing universe known as “The Bar Mitzvah Circuit”.  This will require not only a complete commitment of your free time, energy and financial resources, but also a twisted understanding of human nature that you’ve never seen before, and likely never will again.  Before you or your children step one foot out of that Volvo and towards the synagogue doors, learn from me.  I’ve assembled the definitive rookie’s guide, which I’m calling YOUR FIRST HORA:  THE 90 (GIVE OR TAKE) THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ATTENDING YOUR FIRST BAR MITZVAH.

I’ll work roughly chronologically through an average experience.  Feel free to jump ahead if you’re stuck in any one category.

THE INVITATION

  1. Several weeks before the event, a printed invitation on paper stock roughly as thick as a strip steak and with enough stamps on the envelope to kill George Constanza’s wife 20 times over will arrive at your home.
  2. Pay careful attention to the opening of the invitation:  the amount of enjoyment you will ultimately experience at the event is inversely proportional to the amount of glitter that falls out of the envelope when you open it.
  3. There will likely be a reply card included in the invitation.  Pay no mind to the fact that the RSVP date is only two days away and is a clear indication that you are on the party’s B List and are only invited because Aunt Martha can’t make it in from Chicago because her rheumatoid arthritis is acting up.  Make a note to order premium spirits at the open bar later.

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