FULL TRANSCRIPT
SPOKESPERSON:
I want to welcome all of you to the Family Press Briefing Room. A few items of note before we begin. One, please take off your shoes before stepping on the rug, and please use coasters for any warm beverages you may be drinking, these side tables don’t pay for themselves. And consider this a warning, you may think the dog is cute and fluffy, but if you pet him once, he’ll be stuck to you for the rest of afternoon like white on rice, with a strong likelihood of the occasional hump. So choose your actions carefully.
Before we start, I want to make it clear that the report published on BuzzFeed last night is completely false. No member of the family has either been to Chuck E. Cheese’s, communicated with its leaders, or enjoyed “special” time with any of its employees. We deny any suggestions that Mr. Cheese has manipulated the family into changing any of their weekend plans. I can also confirm that, despite CNN’s recent assertion to the contrary, at least 1 million people attended the family’s outdoor barbeque last month. It was awesome.
Now, it is my honor to introduce (and likely be yelled at in the near future by), the Teenagers.
(APPLAUSE)
TEENAGE BOY: ‘Sup, how’s it going.
TEENAGE GIRL: Hey!! I was supposed to speak first! And you’re standing in front of me! And you’re breathing too loud into the microphone!
TEENAGE BOY: Whatever.
TEENAGE GIRL: I hate you.
PRESS: Teenage Boy, how has your day been so far?
TEENAGE BOY: (pauses, angry glare) What is that supposed to mean?
PRESS: Well, I just wanted to know how your day has been?
TEENAGE BOY: I don’t have to answer that, it’s a stupid question.
PRESS: Well, sometimes asking someone how their day has been is a social gesture that allows the other person to express some sentiments about how they’re feeling in general.
TEENAGE BOY: Oh, in that case, let me tell you how I’m feeling. I feel like you’re an idiot and a neanderthal. Next question.
PRESS: Teenage Girl, can you tell us a little bit about your recent dance performance? How did it go?
TEENAGE GIRL: Fine.
PRESS: How would you say it went relative to other performances.
TEENAGE GIRL: Fine.
PRESS: Were the other dancers happy with the show?
TEENAGE GIRL: Fine.
PRESS: Uh…do you have a favorite color?
TEENAGE GIRL: All of them.
PRESS: Is there a food you particular enjoy?
TEENAGE GIRL: All of them.
PRESS: Are you willing to express an opinion of any kind today?
TEENAGE GIRL: No.
SPOKESPERSON: Allow me to interrupt here, I’d just like to add that Teenage Girl has a huge and varied list of personal opinions, but is unwilling to share them with anyone unless it’s over text message or social media. Next question?
PRESS: Teenage Boy, it has been reported that you have failed to empty the dishwasher for several consecutive weeks, despite it being listed prominently on your short and easily achievable list of family chores. Is there a reason for this?
TEENAGE BOY: (watching video on his phone)
PRESS: Teenage Boy?
TEENAGE BOY: (still watching video on his phone, now with headphones on)
PRESS: Teenage Boy?
TEENAGE BOY: (still watching video on his phone) In a minute…
PRESS: (agitated) TEENAGE BOY!!!
TEENAGE BOY: Hey, don’t yell at me!! I said in a minute! What, you expect me to just stop watching this awesome video of other people playing video games just to answer a question? You’re not the boss of me!
SPOKESPERSON: Sorry for interrupting again, but it’s been clearly established before that in order for him to physically hear a request for help, Teenage Boy’s ears require three consecutive attempts to communicate, followed by a loud shout for his attention, at which point he will yell at you and likely ignore your request anyway. Let’s move on.
PRESS: Teenage Girl, I hear that you’re an avid user of the phone application known as Snapchat. Can you tell us a little about what you use it for?
TEENAGE GIRL: Yes, Snapchat is my primary method of communication with the outside world!
PRESS: How so?
TEENAGE GIRL: Well, each day, I spend approximately ⅔ of my waking hours sending photographs to my entire social network (made up of friends from school, camp, and random teenagers that I barely know).
PRESS: Oh, so you send interesting pictures of where you are and what you’re doing? Kind of like a photo album?
TEENAGE GIRL: What? No!! I just send pictures of half of my head while making a strange face. And then I look at pictures of the same friends sending funny faces back to me. I ignore my parents while taking and looking at hundreds of funny face pictures every day. Isn’t that AWESOME???
PRESS: Uh, yeah. Follow-up question, do you have an opinion on the battle over the Affordable Care Act and how best to provide health insurance to those with pre-existing conditions?
TEENAGE GIRL: (holds up phone, contorts her face in multiple directions) This one’s for Carly, this one’s for Sam, this one’s for Michelle, this one’s for….
PRESS: Teenage Boy, your father has reported that you haven’t listened to him since 2006. Why have you stopped interacting pleasantly with him, and do you expect that to change anytime soon?
TEENAGE BOY: Look, I want to make something very clear here. My parents are the most important people in the world to me, I can’t imagine life without them and I love them very much. Which is why I’ve decided to treat them like shit until I’m about 23 years old.
PRESS: This question is for both of you: whose turn is it to walk the dog?
TEENAGE BOY: Hers!
TEENAGE GIRL: His!
TEENAGE BOY: What are you talking about, I walked him yesterday!
TEENAGE GIRL: No you didn’t! You just moved his leash to a different spot in the closet so it looked like you walked him!
PRESS: That’s actually pretty clever.
TEENAGE BOY: Thanks. I’ve actually never walked the dog, the leash-moving thing seems to be working pretty well.
TEENAGE GIRL: HEY!!! I’m telling Mom and Dad! You’re the worst brother ever and I never want to see you again! (runs off stage, runs upstairs and slams the door to her room)
PRESS: Teenage Boy, according to the latest data, this represents the 12,942nd fight between you and your sister, approximately half of which began based on your actions or comments. How can you answer for that?
TEENAGE BOY: I’m not answering that question. That’s rude. And you’re fake news.
PRESS: OK, but shouldn’t you go apologize to your sister?
TEENAGE BOY: What? And take my eyes off of YouTube for a minute? That’s it, I’m done! (runs off stage, comes back when he remembers he left his phone on the podium, runs upstairs, slams the door to his room)
SPOKESPERSON: That’s enough questions for now, the Teenagers thank you for your time. We’ll see you tomorrow, when the Teenagers will verbally abuse each other over who gets to drive the car next weekend, Teenage Girl will snap at her mother for existing, and Teenage Boy will introduce legislation to add Chipotle to its own level on the food pyramid.
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