Caught up? Good. Let’s keep eating.
THE PARTY, HOUR 3
- The meal will begin. A plate of salad will have already been placed on the table in front of you, and it will look…like salad. You will eat it anyway, because it’s salad, even though you’ve just consumed four pounds of widely available chicken satay at the cocktail reception.
- For some reason, despite the plethora of expensive food being thrown your way this evening, you will only be given one bread roll. Leave your roll exposed for too long and it will be picked off by a carb-depleted member of your table. Eat it quickly, or guard your bread like the Hope Diamond.
- During the salad course, the father of the honored child will take to the stage to give a toast. He will thank everyone for coming, “from near and far”, mentioning each individual state like a Congressional roll call.
- He will also thank his lovely and beautiful wife for putting so much time and effort into such an incredible event. Try to catch a glimpse in the background of the exhausted professional party planner getting intravenous fluids and shedding a quiet tear (or possibly seething).
- The husband will also salute the amazing job his child did at that day’s ceremony. Note that this speech was written at least 72 hours before the event, having no idea whether his child excelled or butchered the Torah portion. Shake off the hypocrisy and clap politely at the stump speech. He’s paying for your drinks.
- He will then introduce a video montage, featuring 735 still images of his child with various friends, family members, and Disney World cast members. The main goal of the video is to provide visual evidence that the family’s life together is much more enjoyable than yours.
- This will be the most difficult and trying portion of your evening, as watching the average Mitzvah Montage is akin to watching paint dry, if the paint took family trips to Boca, Costa Rica, and Bubbie’s 95th birthday party at The Red Barn.
- The length can also be trying. This video will last approximately 12-25 minutes, but will end up taking at least an hour off of your projected lifespan.
- Jewish law requires that “Time Of Your Life” by Green Day be featured somewhere within the montage. And no, most parents are unaware that the real name of the song is “Good Riddance”, which is both hysterical and, since we’re being honest, possibly more appropriate.
- Now that your legs have atrophied from lack of use during the endless montage, dancing will officially commence. For the next 40 minutes, as the DJ begins to blast his set of electronic music you’ve never heard of through speakers the size of SUVs, you will no longer be able to communicate with the person directly in front of you without screaming in their ear.
- Somehow, the inability to communicate verbally will inspire all kids under 18 to put down their phones and acknowledge each other’s presence on the dance floor. The boys will dance with the motivators, while the girls will dance with each other. One crazy aunt will dance wildly by herself, and later dominate the Bar Mitzvah video footage.
- Hard core rap songs will play a prominent role, spun at slightly higher speeds and distortion to disguise the lyrics about drug consumption and sexual misconduct. Surprisingly, the grandparents will try to join in the fun by singing along to the chorus of the one song they recognize, blissfully unaware of why the lead singer “can’t feel his face”.
- Once your ears have melted and your larynx burns like wildfire from trying to hold down a conversation with a similarly deaf adult, the music will quiet down and the kids will retreat to their white couches for a fresh smoothie. The main course will then be served to the adults, likely including a carefully-planned and orchestrated menu of classic dishes served elegantly on formal plates.
- At least one person at your table will sneak into the kids section and make himself (or herself) a plate of chicken fingers and sliders. These will become tradable commodities at your table, ultimately developing into a black market of finger foods as one curly fry sells for $45 to a hedge fund manager.